Delaware Speeding Ticket

I’m not shy about bashing Maryland. No liquor store sales on Sunday is bullshit. They upped the sales tax to pay for stupid projects in Baltimore that never get done; lopsided sidewalks with cracks in them are replaced with lopsided sidewalks with cracks in them soon. Roads are ripped up, re-paved, then destroyed again to gain access to the sewer lines. And don't even get me started on DT Frederick. Oh, this wind and rain shit has got to stop. The desolate piss poor snowless-but-still-cold winters suck my dick and I hate it.

But Delaware? Oh my god, FUCK Delaware.

Here are some interesting little pointers on the speeding ticket I received in some minuscule town on the middle of the highway to Somewhere More Interesting. One of these sleepy population-challenged towns where the speed limit serves to test the patience you lost while hitting the last five sleepy baby half mile wide towns on the way home. So I get pulled over in the middle of this prehistoric village. I can see a 35 MPH speed limit sign where I’m sitting. Long story short, I get a ticket for going 36 in a 25 where 25 is the speed limit for about 8 seconds, if you're going a reasonable speed, like 36 mph. Lame. Yeah, I might go to jail for not telling my PO I was in DE, but you know, comes with the territory when you kill a guy for looking at your fiance. Anyway, here's the fiduciary breakdown on my ticket.

BREAKING THE FUCKING LAW YOU SCUMBAG: $31.00 This is reasonable. I will accept this and continue home.

Victim Compensation. Uhh... Victims. Victims of me driving the same speed for more than eleven feet through a town no one bothered to name: $5.60

Video phone. What? Am I making a down payment on a video phone? Do these exist yet? $1.00 (alright….I’m investing in new technology. I am alright with this. Remember the episode of Simpsons when Lisa got married in the future and Marge crossed her fingers while on video phone? Priceless.)

DELJIS (Delaware Judicial Information System) fund. I am giving to a fund. I am forced into being charitable. Cops are bully fundraisers. Good. They may finally serve a purpose. $1.00

Transportation fund. Now this can go to a number of things. Since DE has no state tax, presumably they farm foreigners through said bullshit tickets for extra scratch. Am I paying for Officer Big Fish's tank of gas? Does this go toward police vans rounding up persons with warrants out for their arrests? Does it pay for all those fun hours-long adventure drives around town I had while doing community service with the boys in Frederick? Will it go in my tank later? Well it godamned better, because it’s $15.50.

Court security. Apparently Delaware can’t pay for its own state employees. Unless Blackwater - sorry, XE - is contracted for security in Delaware, in which case I’m definitely not showing up for court. $10.00

Court Costs: I didn’t sign this ticket, indicating my compliance in receiving it. I don’t know if that’s normal in other states, as I’ve only broken the law in Maryland up until now. But I know I didn’t fucking go to court, unless courts consist entirely of one police officer standing outside my door window, accusing and finding me guilty of something he simply and bluntly told me I did. I hope my one dollar to DELJIS goes toward telling Delaware how business is supposed to go down. $15.fucking00

SUBTOTAL (before the Ticketmaster convenience fees apply): $79.10. This is not reasonable.

Subtotal! What the fuck does that mean? Should I expect more surcharges and random fund-giving when I send my check? Did they not mark up the $31 FUCKING DOLLAR TICKET to $79.10 enough to pay for their new flac jackets? Jesus Christ, I just paid for this asshole’s gas, imaginary court costs to a courtroom I’ll never see, an absent guard’s wages, a fund for informing the judicial system of Delaware, which is probably for the best seeing as how justice for the regular driver is being shit on, some random guy in Wabasha’s video phone, and compensation to VICTIMS WHO DON’T FUCKING EXIST BECAUSE NOBODY FUCKING LIVES HERE. Now I know how Delaware functions without state tax. Its not that Dupont bought the government, its that anyone who’s stupid enough to visit the state did. Fuck you Delaware. Enjoy my money you pricks.

P.S. - That "prick" comment in no way includes my brother, his lovely wife and two extraordinary sons. Delaware (sorry, Dupontworld) should pay you a million dollars year to live in it.